30 July 2011

Metaphor About Lack of Ball Possession in a Given Sport

Last night, I wrote to an old friend. I do not know that I will receive a reply; that is fine, I think, because I have said what needed saying and the rest is presently out of my control.

Our estrangement came about before my wedding. That was a fairly stressful time in mine and Amber's lives; I, of course, can only truly speak to my experience. We were living out in the sticks and Amber was working on her thesis. I was dealing mentally with all of the potential ramifications of telling my sundry family members that I was getting married.

More accurately, I was dealing mentally with all of the potential ramifications of telling my sundry family members who I was marrying.

I had had a set-to with my best and oldest friend (C) years before, when Amber or anyone like her was not even on my radar. I had just admitted to myself that I was in love with one of my close friends and dealing with telling people who needed to know. C tole me that she did not think she could come to my wedding if I married a girl, much less be in it. I told her that I would be her bridesmaid if she married my mortal enemy at the South Pole, and made me wear one of those thrice-damned wench dresses from the Renaissance Festival while I was doing so.

When Amber and I got married at the beginning of May, 2009, C was there. As a bonus, she married a very nice man in Wichita Falls in 2007 and I got to wear blue satin. Success!

Since C had given me her positive RSVP, I supposed that when it came to it, my other friends who had been twitchy about the gay would put it aside long enough to come have cake and wish Amber and I well in our life together. It is difficult, if not impossible, to describe how it felt to be told that, really, no, that was not going to happen.

It was definitely orders of magnitude less horrifying than being told that Grandpa had died. Of course.

However, my loyalty is a binary proposition, and so being told that yes, I am her friend, but no, she really would not come to my wedding because Amber is a girl pretty significantly shook my entire worldview. I still do not understand what is so hard about grokking that I love her, and no, please, actually, do not pray that I will change (and what the hell kind of prayer is that, anyway? Dear G-d, please make [insert homo here] abandon her/his wife/husband/spouse and cats/dogs/kids for a person of the opposite gender because that would somehow be better, apparently) because I love this person with everything I am.

And if we are being truly honest here, if G-d is the sort of deity who will condemn me for all time because I married a girl, then I cannot say as how I really need to be associated with that anyway. Fortunately, I am pretty sure that if G-d is in fact sentient, that G-d probably has other things to think about. Really.

I had a point.

Ah, yes. It was that it has sucked all over the place to not have my friend, and that I finally came to a place where I could be less hurt and angry, mostly because I have now been married for two years, and the marriage equality train has left the station and is picking up speed. Also, if things begin to go very poorly over here, I will simply apply to study in a country which recognises all marriages. So, we have options, and what individuals think about who I married is nigh irrelevant at this point. It probably helps that now having been married for TWO WHOLE YEARS that it is really just normal at this point, and I suspect that eventually people will look around and have an epiphany.

At any rate, I feel better having extended the olive branch, difficult as it was on my ego. Egos are the root of most evil anyway, so I expect that the blow will ultimately prove positive.

Labels: , , , ,

26 July 2011

Hello, Insomnia, my Old Friend...

Most anyone who knows me beyond a passing acquaintance knows the following:
  • I enjoy historic pursuits
  • I enjoy being Lutheran
  • Cancer is bullshit.
I think that most people know the latter anyway because who can really disagree that cancer is bullshit? The two former facts are, if we trace them back to their origins, brought to you by my mother's parents, my grandma and grandpa, Anna Lou and E.H. Grote. Doing a bit of math, which I had heretofore not done, I discover that they were, respectively, fifty and fifty-five when I was born in 1984. My mother is presently fifty-five.

My grandma, Anna Louise Heidensohn (for whom I am named), was born on 1 April 1933, which is the same day that the National Socialists began a boycott all of the Jewish businesses in Germany. It only made it three days because most German shoppers viewed it with a shrug, and when my grandma was three days old, they called it off.

My grandpa, Ehler Herman Grote, was born on 25 June 1928, on which date, as far as I know, nothing else of note occurred. However, it is important to note that 25 June is Leon Day, and thus my grandfather shares his birth date with the half birthday of one of the most influential men in western civilisation.

I spent a significant amount of time with them when I was smallish to medium. When Grandma and I were not running errands in town or fixing fences or some such, she would draw our family trees (which are large) and explain to me who all is related to whom and how, and tell me stories about their lives. My favourite stories were about her parents. My great-grandfather, Walter Herman Heidensohn, immigrated to San Antonio from Germany in the twenties. His movement has inspired a paper which I am hoping will meet success in the next eight months or so; he grew up in World War I Germany and his elder sisters gave up their rations so that he would be less malnourished. Less. He was a man of short stature since there was no food when he was meant to be growing, and I suspect that the malnourishment caused him to have a weak heart. He died of a heart attack on 4 July of either 1958 or 59.

Grandma told me stories about the Berlin Wall (the only time I ever heard her say anything which could be construed as profanity was when she was explaining that they built it right through cemeteries, and that it was a "hellish" thing to do. I can think of some significantly stronger words to describe it, but the impact was there), and about her cousin who was in the German Army (the Wehrmacht, says twenty-seven year old me) and was captured and taken to Battle Creek, Michigan, where he spent the remainder of the war. My great-grandfather wrote to him often, and as a result was investigated, so the story goes, by the FBI. Men in suits came to his workplace, Central Power and Light in Corpus Christi, to question him.

Fortunately, his boss, a Mr. Floyd Salmon, informed the men in suites that he was "no damned Nazi," and we lived happily ever after. Lucky, that, says twenty-seven year old me, because while the Japanese took the brunt of the internment during World War II, there were Germans at Crystal City. It is a very real possibility that had Mr. Salmon not stood up for him, Grandma and Aunt Dene would have come home from grade school to find their house empty, as happened to a not insignificant amount of German- and Japanese-descended children at that point. The government would just haul off the parents. Twenty-seven year old me is relieved that ten year old me did not know that, because ten year old me was paranoid enough as it was.

My grandpa could do anything, and he often did. He built the addition to their house. Without plans. Seriously. And he used a good deal of recycled material to do it. He taught me how to use a scroll saw when I was ten, and I was fourteen when he taught me how to use the lathe. He crocheted. He built a large bird house for his sundry birds (twenty-seven year old me wishes that I had met Amber earlier, because they could have talked about birds). He taught me to ride a horse and to not be afraid of large hooved creatures.

Amber is concerned because I have not gone to church in a very long time. The thing is, church, to me, is not an activity to its own end. If I want to experience G-d, I can sit right here, or outside, or on a hill. Church, for me, has always been about tradition, and history, and ritual (notably, the opposite of what the average evangelical thinks church is about. Church, I have been told, is not about tradition, or history, or ritual, and in fact, if one thinks that it is about those things, they are in danger of going to Hell. Yeah, they can go to Hell). Church is sitting between Grandma and Grandpa while they sing "I Love to Tell the Story" or sitting next to Aunt Carol while she pokes me in the ribs during "Lead On, O King Eternal" or listening to Uncle Don sort of yodel his way through "Earth and All Stars," (I defy anyone to try to sing it without yodeling, in his defence) and after the service making jokes about the folks behind us bringing buckets in which to carry the tune.

Church is sitting to my mom while she inevitably cries during "Lift High the Cross" -- something which disturbed me profoundly until I was about seventeen -- and makes notes on the bulletin about what the pastor is saying during the sermon.

Church feels kind of empty without all of that, and I fear that the memory is not enough. I have to conjure up my grandma's voice on a weekly basis or I feel I will forget how she sounded when she was praying with me, or calling the cats for breakfast, or explaining to me about Germany and Germans and how we are not, in fact, like Hitler (who was "an evil, evil, EVIL man"). Now I am going to have to do the same with my grandpa's, because when he called me last Saturday and I missed the call, he declined to leave a voice message.

I fear that I am going to lose myself now that I have lost them both. I have not slept worth a damn since last Sunday and I am awake right now because when I tried to sleep earlier, my overactive imagination went on a bender bringing up images of my sundry forebears dying. If I did not have Amber right now, I do not know what I would do.

Actually, I know exactly what I would do because I know what I did eleven years ago: I did not eat, I did not sleep. I watched Designing Women for three weeks straight and never left the couch. I cried all. the. time.

Right now, I am merely not sleeping, and I cry only most of the time, and I eat every so often. No Designing Women yet. I even managed to have a good dinner with two of my best friends and some slushy vodka lemonade with no repercussions.

A lot of it is still really surreal. I mean, I made the bulletins. I called the church where my grandpa and I were both baptised so as to get the date of his baptism. My sister and I had them printed. My aunt and cousins and I folded them. My other grandparents and two aunts and an uncle came to express their condolences. We went shopping in San Antonio so that I would have something to wear. Amber drove to Austin and back so that we would have pictures and a hymnal. I gave what was possibly the worst eulogy in the history of mankind, and none of it seems real.

Yet I grieve.

Labels: , , , , , , ,