26 June 2007

From the Department of You have Got to be Kidding Me:

Tom %&$(@#* Cruise is making a new movie. Why do I care? Because the movie is Valkyrie, and %&$(@#* Cruise is meant to play Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, who is the guy who attempted to assassinate Hitler in the 20 July plot with a briefcase full of explosives.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger: Historical blah blah blah ahead.

Hitler wasn't killed by the blast (obviously). There were two bombs; von Stauffenberg had previously lost his right and and all but three fingers of his left, so when he was attempting to arm them in the bathroom, with not a lot of time, he was only able to get the one armed. For reasons unknown to history, he did not put the second bomb in the briefcase, but handed it to his assistant instead. He went into the conference room and put his briefcase under the table, then left to "make a call." One of the guys still in the meeting room moved his briefcase down to the far end and behind the table leg because it was in the way and people kept kicking it. Thus, the blast was deflected.

However, a recent History Channel documentary which completely reconstructed the whole thing, what actually happened, and what could have happened, showed that if von Stauffenberg had put the second bomb in the briefcase anyway, Hitler would have been screwed. von Stauffenberg and his aide were executed the next day.

Anyway, Tom %&$(@#* Cruise? To play von Stauffenberg? Fortunately, the Germans have banned %&$(@#* Cruise from the country on account of he is a Scientologist. Now, on a humourous level, I think this is great and that more Scientologists should be banned from more places, especially when their name is Tom %&$(@#* Cruise. However, I'm not sure it's the best thing in the world to ban Scientologists from a country on a serious level, because even though I think they are full of shit, allegedly, they should still have the right to practice their religion. Except for the part where they tell Brooke Shields that she shouldn't take antidepressants.

Anyway, my hope is that the movie makers will continue with Valkyrie, and will pick someone who is not annoying to play von Stauffenberg.

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Anonymous Constance Reader said...

I heard about this and had the same reaction -- Tom fucking Cruise? What, Joseph Fiennes immigrated to Neptune and I didn't hear about it? Moritz Bleibtrau has developed projetile leprosy? WTF?

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Ferrari said...

Actually they've not banned him from the country, they only banned the crew from filming at any of the bases they hoped to use in Germany as set locations.

That said, I still would like to see the movie get made, whether recast or straight up, since it's the reuniting of Bryan Singer and Christopher McQuarrie as director and writer. They were the tandem behind The Usual Suspects, and I really would like to see them do something wonderful again.

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Constance Reader said...

And I certainly agree that Tom Cruise minus one hand and a few remaining fingers would be a wonderful thing.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Ivy said...

Actually, I did not say "Tom fucking Cruise?" My rage was such that I screamed an unpronounceable word which is represented in this blog entry as "%&$(@#*" because that's really the only way to describe it.

10:38 AM  

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