Like Fugitives

(Note: the following is not overly political and may not have a point to anyone but me, but here it is.)

I had a brief emotional meltdown yesterday evening. I say brief because Amber listened (as always) and then it was resolved. The major issue, and the one which could be construed as anyone else's business, is that I feel estranged from my religion. I'm feeling much more like Rosanne Cash than, for example...well, I was going to say Jennifer Knapp, but that's hardly apropos, so let's say that I am not feeling like part of the Body of Christ lately. by feeling like Rosanne Cash, I cite lyrics from two of her recent songs (from Black Cadillac if anyone is interested:

Don't send me no more letters
With your ignorance and rage
I don't want your tired religion
Not a soul you need to save

and

I wish I was a christian, knew what to believe
I could learn a lot of rules to put my mind at ease...

I wish I was a christian, but I cannot believe
'Cause no one in the bible craves my company

This is not to say I've apostatised, or that I shall, but I did notice that I've spent a lot more time informing people on what I dislike about Christianity/Christians lately, than what I -do- like. I notice that when I remember to pull my cross out of my shirt collar, I tend to be more profane to make up for it somehow, to show people that I'm not uppity and that they can be themselves.

That is what I am most worried about is that people will feel uncomfortable around me, or that they can't be themselves, or that I'll judge them or disapprove or some such, and what's really terrible about it (and what I told Amber) is that now -I- feel I can't be myself, that I am being judged, et cetera.

Amber says I need to go back to church (incidentally, those who were concerned that my marrying a not-Christian would cause me to fall away, please take note of my agnostic fiancée encouraging me to go to church) because then I will be among my own sort of people, rather than only being exposed to the media Christians.

I really love her; have I mentioned that?

I think that will go a long way toward fixing my brain/soul, that and spending daily time meditating, praying, and reading the Bible from a non-historical/critical viewpoint.

What's really silly about all of this, I think, is that it was not until I started being exposed to people who are so "anti-world," which is to say that they say thinks like "I am in this world, but not of it," which I think is a very Gnostic point of view (the Gnostics were the ones who said that Jesus of Nazareth could not be the Christ because the world is evil and the true God would not create something so heinous; a false god made the world), I did not feel like I need to prove that I, in fact, am in and of the world and in doing so overcompensated.

I mean, you'd think that just being a quite out homo, an engaged one at that, should set at ease those who might otherwise view my professed Christianity (or my visible cross pendant) askance. I suppose my concern is also because people who aren't Christians have in fact expressed issues with it. One is an ex, and the other is a former interest who expressed her fear that if my pendant touched her, it would burn her. No, really. Perhaps there is a reason why I am not in relationships with them, and am with someone who takes me as I am.

Well, there's your problem, as Adam Savage would say. Look who is not used to being taken for who she is. I've noticed that before, but not with this particular thing.

I really am quite blessed to have her, and when I do pray unselfconsciously, it is to thank God for sending her my way. And so, now I resolve to be unselfconscious and to get my grip back on my faith.

How Stinky is Too Stinky?

This guy posted a good article discussing this picture. It turns up that he's a megachurch pastor and we know how I feel about that, but we will let that slide for a moment. I do not have to like his methods to acknowledge his point.

I left a comment on the blog of Shae (who is the pastor of a church in Baytown and a good guy), who was asking if Jesus (Christ) of Nazareth would wash the feet of the bin Laden (I had not yet looked closely enough at the photo to figure out quite who was whom, but it does not affect my point):

Why wouldn’t Jesus wash the feet of bin Laden? Look at the others in the picture — [edit: Kofi Annan], Merkel, Blair, Bush, [edit: former president of China], and I think the king of Jordan [edit: India] — arguably, [Annan] and Merkel are the only two who are, at least politically, more “worthy” of having their feet washed by Jesus. Mandela has been married three times [True, but he's not in the picture]. Merkel is, of course, Lutheran and a physicist and is therefore superior in all ways [I stand by this statement].

Does Osama fit the mortal definition of evil? He certainly fits -my- definition of evil, being that he willingly contributed to the deaths of quite a mass of people. Bush and Blair did/do similar. Are they less evil? Are they less evil because the people to whose deaths they are contributing are overwhelmingly a) brown and b) not Christians?

If “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (1 New Testament Some:where) then Merkel is no more worthy than Bush who is no more worthy than bin Laden who is no more worthy than me. Or Ann Richards. And, to say anything else is not only a double standard, but is to directly contradict Scripture. That is my theological argument.

My personal argument is that maybe if we’d go about washing each other’s feet more often instead of griping about sheetheads, dykes, and godless liberal sheetheaded dykes, maybe this wouldn’t be an issue and we could blog about bunnies or something.

I also stand by my statement regarding bunnies. At any rate, this fellow Boyd points out that we tend to allow patriotism to take precedence over our alleged Christianity (someone said that nationalism was one of the greater threats to Christianity ever seen by the human race. Or, I could have just made that up). God is clearly on -our- side because -we- are the good guys. Also, we have "In God We Trust" stamped on our money and that therefore makes God like us more. After all, the only way He can get any attention is by being put on some mortals' currency. Forget black holes and the Grand Canyon, those are laaaame compared to being acknowledged on the same object as George Washington.

This, I believe, is the tiny bit of something that started hurting inside of my brain as I watched the news of us bombing Baghdad and Silver Foot Junior intoning that God is (sniff) on our side. It is also one of the somethings which prevents my saying the pledge of allegiance. The something is "Who the Hell are we to judge who God likes?" I feel like we are the hanger-on kid, the one on the playground who when the big popular kid looks at him goes skipping home to his mom yelling, "He likes me! I'm popular! I'm one of the cool kids!" It's like we have to have some kind of validation, and once we think we have it, we can start beating up on the other unpopular kids because we think we're cool now.

This is starting to make me think about people interpreting the Bible to mean not at all what it means, which is a completely, utterly different subject and one into which I do not care to delve at this time. My final point is, however, that if anyone gets to have their stinky feet washed by Jesus, both physically and metaphorically, then so does everyone. God's grace is universal, and if it weren't, it wouldn't be grace. If God's grace is universal, then ours should be as well.