28 January 2008

Like Fugitives

(Note: the following is not overly political and may not have a point to anyone but me, but here it is.)

I had a brief emotional meltdown yesterday evening. I say brief because Amber listened (as always) and then it was resolved. The major issue, and the one which could be construed as anyone else's business, is that I feel estranged from my religion. I'm feeling much more like Rosanne Cash than, for example...well, I was going to say Jennifer Knapp, but that's hardly apropos, so let's say that I am not feeling like part of the Body of Christ lately. by feeling like Rosanne Cash, I cite lyrics from two of her recent songs (from Black Cadillac if anyone is interested:
Don't send me no more letters
With your ignorance and rage
I don't want your tired religion
Not a soul you need to save
and
I wish I was a christian, knew what to believe
I could learn a lot of rules to put my mind at ease...

I wish I was a christian, but I cannot believe
'Cause no one in the bible craves my company

This is not to say I've apostatised, or that I shall, but I did notice that I've spent a lot more time informing people on what I dislike about Christianity/Christians lately, than what I -do- like. I notice that when I remember to pull my cross out of my shirt collar, I tend to be more profane to make up for it somehow, to show people that I'm not uppity and that they can be themselves.

That is what I am most worried about is that people will feel uncomfortable around me, or that they can't be themselves, or that I'll judge them or disapprove or some such, and what's really terrible about it (and what I told Amber) is that now -I- feel I can't be myself, that I am being judged, et cetera.

Amber says I need to go back to church (incidentally, those who were concerned that my marrying a not-Christian would cause me to fall away, please take note of my agnostic fiancée encouraging me to go to church) because then I will be among my own sort of people, rather than only being exposed to the media Christians.

I really love her; have I mentioned that?

I think that will go a long way toward fixing my brain/soul, that and spending daily time meditating, praying, and reading the Bible from a non-historical/critical viewpoint.

What's really silly about all of this, I think, is that it was not until I started being exposed to people who are so "anti-world," which is to say that they say thinks like "I am in this world, but not of it," which I think is a very Gnostic point of view (the Gnostics were the ones who said that Jesus of Nazareth could not be the Christ because the world is evil and the true God would not create something so heinous; a false god made the world), I did not feel like I need to prove that I, in fact, am in and of the world and in doing so overcompensated.

I mean, you'd think that just being a quite out homo, an engaged one at that, should set at ease those who might otherwise view my professed Christianity (or my visible cross pendant) askance. I suppose my concern is also because people who aren't Christians have in fact expressed issues with it. One is an ex, and the other is a former interest who expressed her fear that if my pendant touched her, it would burn her. No, really. Perhaps there is a reason why I am not in relationships with them, and am with someone who takes me as I am.

Well, there's your problem, as Adam Savage would say. Look who is not used to being taken for who she is. I've noticed that before, but not with this particular thing.

I really am quite blessed to have her, and when I do pray unselfconsciously, it is to thank God for sending her my way. And so, now I resolve to be unselfconscious and to get my grip back on my faith.

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