12 December 2005

Why the Hell?

Do I do crap like this to myself? I reread the story I wrote for a creative writing class for this past spring semester. It's TERRIBLE! And things aren't supposed to start looking terrible to the writer for a couple of years.

It's bad. It's trite. It's about being in love. Which is bad and trite.

I guess the fact that I can see that it's terrible shows...I'm not in love anymore.

Which is a weird thing to write. I had acknowledged it tacitly; obviously I would not have been interested in dating anyone had I still been in love. I tried earlier this year and got a queasy feeling in my stomach and was busy comparing her to HER. And that didn't happen in October.

It's still weird to write. I'm not in love anymore.
I don't dream about her anymore.
I don't see things in malls or stores and automatically think of her.
I can drive around Austin without automatically thinking of her.
Funnily enough...I think I went a couple of days this week without thinking of her. I don't know for sure, since I wasn't thinking about it.

I feel so fake; I told her I'd love her forever, that I would always carry a torch with her, that I couldn't think of my life without her.

But I can now. I can see a future without her in it.

Do I still love her? Of course.
What if she came back?

I don't know.

Have I found room in my heart for someone else?



Anonymous fool said...

i guess that in your position, with the story, i'd look at it as a gift that i'm growing so quickly rather than taking "a couple of years." or that sounds good, at least.

also, congrats on getting over a past love--if it took you less than 3 years, you came out ahead in my opinion. but then my opinion is kind of unimportant to your love life, all things considered. but hopefully you can accept the positive energy i'm trying to express.


8:40 AM  

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