18 December 2005

And suddenly...

All of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room. I should have seen it coming, but I'm a little dense and not just a little stupid sometimes.

Both of the people with whom I've discussed it say that it's not me. They're both lying, but it's kind of them anyway. Of course it's me. It could be the extra fifteen pounds, or it could be my sense of humour. It could be my politics. It could be that I hold the door. It could be that I'm occasionally catty and snarky.

I've never understood the whole 'compatibility issue' thing. Who cares if I like Monty Python and she doesn't? I don't want a carbon copy of myself; supposedly others don't either. But here I am again, with that kicked-in-the-stomach, no-air feeling. And I think...that I'm supposed to be ok with this? Act like it's not a big deal? Sure, for her sake and the sake of our friendship, I will. The last time this happened to me, I said I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all, and I stand by it now.

I'm angry, though. It seems incomprehensible, even to myself, that I am, because she hasn't really done anything to me. Quite. She did say she wasn't interested. But she said it was because she wasn't ready for a relationship; she didn't want to date anyone. Her friends said the same thing, "It's not you, it's everybody." I thought, for some incredibly stupid reason, that if I just loved her anyway, she might come around. Or at least, she would be a happier person for it.

But no, nothing, nothing at all that I've done has made her life better or happier; none of it makes a difference. She has other friends to give backrubs when she's sore, and others to listen to her when she's angry or sad.

Well, I did say that I want her to be happy, and I do. And it looks like she is.

But why couldn't it be me, on any level, that made her happy? I don't make her happy as a friend, and I didn't even get a chance beyond that (again, what is it that's so repellent? I grow tired of hearing how I'm a great friend, but...). Everything I tried to do to make her special, loved (in a friend way), or loved in a not-friend way...backfired. Had the total opposite effect. Embarrassed her, made her feel guilty, scared her, pushed her away. I don't understand and it hurts that she derives no joy from my presence, that she feels like she has to pick fights with me to keep me at arm's length...beyond arm's length. Maybe the arm's length of some ancient giant.

And I feel like there's meant to be some higher purpose, some reason why we were thrown together -- why I felt compelled to seek her out.

I don't know what that reason is right now.


Blogger Deanna said...

Hang in there, chica. We'll pull through this one.

See ya at Java. It'll be fine. I promise.

Big hugs!

11:32 AM  

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