21 December 2005

Well, Damn.

This was not going to be a personal blog; it was rather meant to be more of a literary experimentation, or an Austin blog, something that people read because it's fucking hilarious or something like that. But I seem to have gone all emo instead. Loser.

My aunt, my godmother, in a word, hates me, I think. Today, my sister e-mailed her and politely asked that she not send propaganda through the e-mail, because my sister is annoyed by propaganda. In response, the both of us and our mother received the following:


Thank you for your latest email correspondence.

You have certainly gained my attention and sorry, my bad, my mistake. Christian views that are passed on is a taboo subject. Again, my bad, my mistake.

I, too, am sad about the "massive fights" and am disappointed to say the least. But let me share one thing.... I did not start it, but I am trying my best to understand it.

I now know the guidelines and boundaries to which I am to conform when passing on emails to y'all. I suppose y'all should have given me these instructions about 5 years ago so I would not have taken up your time.

I also now know EXACTLY the status of what is going on with you girls. I have wondered for a time....

Rest assured, I will be NOT forwarding ANYTHING except maybe news (by telephone, of course, hoping the answering machine will pick up) of my passing in the future to either of you. In fact, deletion from my email list will probably be the answer, so the temptation will be naught.

No one needs to be bothered by an answer to this correspondence. I have a response set up to tell me when this message is received and read.

It should be noted at this time that I do not really cry. But I did. This freaking hurt. What the hell, really? We ask not to have to support her politics, and we get this? "Christian values" are "taboo"? What the hell? I live my life, as best I can, according to what Christ said to do. She knows EXACTLY the status of what is going on? What the hell does that mean? No way in hell she knows I'm gay. No way in hell she can logically think that my sister is. She doesn't know crap about what's going on.

You know what's going on? Our parents raised us to think for ourselves (which has backfired on Daddy because he's kind of conservative. It's funny); as such, I decided that no, dammit, I'm NOT going to live my life being miserable for the sake of appearances. I decided, no, dammit, I'm not going to stay at a college where I want to die. I decided that I'll major in something I like. I'll buy a car I like. I'll live life so that I actually ENJOY it.

And that I will not, ever, be joined to someone as worthless as her husband is. And if that makes me wrong, I don't want to be right. I want to love and be loved. I want to LIVE, to suck all of the marrow out of life, lest when I come to die, discover that I hadn't lived (Thoreau. Wish I'd have written that.). I want to have a chance at happiness, at joy...at peace.

Consequently, my Christmas plans are rather bizarre. I've been feeling ill for most of the day, and part of the evening. The only thing that saved me was the presence of my dear friends...their drama and all. What I've needed, for weeks, is to be held. I got it tonight. I just wish that this would go away.

3 Comments:

Anonymous S. Ferrari said...

Oy vay, Ivy. Not to be too flip, but your aunt's response reminds me of a line from the movie The Ref.

You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

I'd find the whole persecuted complex a bit more sympathetic from a religion that didn't turn around and claim to be the largest in the world in the next breath.

I know this probably goes without saying, but you and your sister are in the right. I'm sorry your aunt's response was so hurtful, but you and your sister had no control over that. Continue to be yourself, and take pride in being the best person you can be. That's all any of us can do.

Henry

10:05 AM  
Anonymous S. Ferrari said...

And by the by if you can't go emo on your blog, what the hell good are they? ;-)

6:46 PM  
Blogger Citizen said...

I'm not sure I can improve upon what Henry wrote. That was a cheap shot, it seems, but you should just keep living your life the way you think it ought to be. A friend of my family's once said, in response to a rather obnoxious person of your aunt's ilk:

"When we get to Heaven, you'll be so surprised to see me and I'll be so happy to see you."

6:48 PM  

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